


The Weekly Yeast vol. 4: Christmas Edition

by ebayhaunteddoll



Series: The Weekly Yeast [4]
Category: Actor RPF, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Christmas, Drama, Gen, Recipes, magazine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:14:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28332207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebayhaunteddoll/pseuds/ebayhaunteddoll
Summary: Tis the season of Yeast! Curl up by the fire with this very special edition of the Weekly Yeast!
Series: The Weekly Yeast [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2041948
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	The Weekly Yeast vol. 4: Christmas Edition

# It’s Fucking Christmas

Literally fucking decking the halls with balls of holly right now!! 

* * *

  
  


# Top 10 Best Christmas Presents

  1. Best Buy Gift Card With Less Than a Dollar On It



Family members ALWAYS give the best gifts. That’s why my aunt gave me exactly the perfect amount of money, just enough for me to buy the one sixteenth of a pair of earbuds I’ve always wanted. I love the idea of recycling, too. This gift is perfect for any environmentalists in the family.

2\. North Korea Threat

Last year, the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea gave us one of the most explosive gifts you could give. This large-scale event outdid any promposal we’ve ever seen. Although Kim Jong-Un did it first, the threat of warheads would make an absolutely incendiary gift for someone who loves the glitz, glam, and drama of public announcements, and spends their time watching extravagant proposals. 

3\. Rock in the Mail

One of my personal favorite gifts of all time was a simple pebble I received in the mail from my grandmother. Now, more than ever it is important to stay safe and away from others. That’s why this inexpensive gift is perfect for those with both their safety and their budget in mind.

4\. Harry Potter

Especially perfect if they’ve never expressed an interest in Harry Potter. Immerse them fully into a world of wizarding as their first step into Potterheaddom!

5.Popping Boba

Everyone who knows me knows that I am a HUGE fan of bubble tea. That's why this year, I was SO excited when I found popping boba under a log in my backyard! I highly recommend this as a gift to any adventurous eaters or foodies that are savvy on edible trends.

6\. Evil Doll

Invite bad luck and negativity into the recipient’s home with this piece of dark magic.

7\. Anon Hate

“Ew, you’re Irish?” What more could a guy or gal ask for in their stocking? Seeing a petulant teen drop a few choice words in your inbox under the cowardly cowl of anonymity warms the heart. And, it’s on Gweneth Paltrow’s GOOP list, so you know it must be good!

8\. Used Q-Tips

Great for cleaning the ears, applying makeup, touching up nails, and much, much, more! This year, we’re all about sustainability AND about versatility. Get them one gift that gives them both.

9\. Proactiv Acne Treatment

Nothing will send a stronger message of love and acceptance than this three-step acne treatment. Give them the gift of clearer skin.

# Weird Bitch with the 1917 Pins Is Going to Try to Talk to You About the Christmas Truce

1917 has earned its place in history as one of the greatest war movies of all time. Rogert Ebert called it “the worst fucking thing to happen to people with an ill-advised soft spot for the weird gay kid in their 3rd period history class.” Sources say that Weekly Yeast Readers’ new favorite rising star, Edward (pronounced Ed-vard for some asinine reason) from Mr. Spencer’s World History class, is a big 1917 fan and is planning a meeting with you where he tries to explain the intricacies of the First World War’s famous Christmas truce to you. Get ready to hear a lot of bizarre factoids presented as heartwarming and possibly see some horrific images of wartime gore! The question on everyone’s lips is: is this flirting? How do you politely tell this freak that you’re taken by the heterosexual soccer player who forces him to do her English homework for her?

* * *

# Virgin Mary Stirs Up Twitter Drama

The Virgin Mary made waves yesterday by announcing her pregnancy on her twitter. The 19 year old biblical figure has been hounded by pregnancy rumors ever since villagers had seen her conversing with a handsome glowing man later confirmed to be well-loved local postman Gabe Speigelman. The question is, who’s the daddy? Her husband is a renowned Asexual rights activist, and Mary has confirmed that she can’t even mentally picture a penis. All we know is that she wants to name the baby Jesus, or Jeighsuß if he comes out Mormon.

Celebs have been quick to weigh in on the rumor, no matter how controversial their takes may be. Are they being too harsh on poor young Mary or, is their scepticism righteous and purifying, like a blade between the ribs of a ruined dictator? You be the judge!

"If I see the Virgin Mary riding on Nester the long eared donkey, I’ll punch her as hard as I possibly can in the stomach. I’ll pop her like a blister. I HOPE I’m there when that accused infant is crucified." -Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty

“The Virgin Mary is a-OK by me.” - Richard Dawkins

“Listen, I’m not opposed to Jesus being born. I’m just opposed to anyone being born at all. I think the greatest sin of all is that we keep spitting slimy spawn out of our miserable crevices so they can slop through the crushing gears of capitalism only to die with their only worldly possession being a Mickey Mouse bobblehead. I don’t want Jesus to have to get a 40 year dead-end job at Auntie Anne’s just to survive, you feel me?” - Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

“OI GUVNAH in Merry Old England we say ‘APPY BABBY to any bird who gets pregnant, innit.” - Dan Howell, star of “Dan and Phil Imagines pt. 3 by tumblr user sherl0ckisn0t0nfire”

“IF Mary is pregnant (and I don’t believe she is) and IF that baby is the Messiah (and I don’t believe he is) and IF she’s really too poor to afford a hospital stay (and I don’t believe that’s true either) than MAYBE I won’t send an anthrax bomb by way of Bethlehem Post to her sorry ass. Maybe.” - Sufjan Stevens

“I wonder what kind of beautiful friendships will be formed on Jesus’ birthday, even in the mud.” - Edward from history class

* * *

# The Perfect Christmas Cocktail by HelloFresh

This week’s issue of the Weekly Yeast has been sponsored by HelloFresh. In this day and age, more and more people are opting to stay away from the grocery store. Luckily, Hellofresh is here to deliver the freshest ingredients right to your front door. They provide recipes for quick, healthy, and delicious meals weekly, along with top quality ingredients. They also offer options for everyone, such as vegetarian, pescatarian, family-friendly, low-calorie, kosher, halal, gluten free, keto, paleo, high gluten, medium gluten, specifically trafe, polycule friendly, aphrodisiac-dense, fiber-rich, peanut free, sea voyage ready, spider free, graphite free, tasteless, homeopathic, space sourced, anti-geriatric, poisonous, irradiated, and piss-soaked plans. Today, we wanted to share with you one of our favorite holiday recipes available on HelloFresh with you! This Christmas Five Loko is all you need to kick off your one person holiday party this year.

What you’ll need:

-3 cup vodka 

-3 cup rum 

-40 mg adderall 

-2 bottles blueberry extra strength 5 hour energy 

-1 tsp rubbing alcohol 

-1 watch battery 

-4 packets raspberry lemonade crystal light 

-2 tsp baking soda 

-1/2 cup cannabutter, melted 

-green and blue food dye 

-2-3 cups sour gummy candies such as trolli sour crawlers or sourpatch kids 

-3-4 ibuprofen coated tablets 

-2 packets unflavored gelatin 

-1/2 grapefruit, supremed 

-1 jar black ritual salt 

-1 disposable hand warmer 

-1 box bang snaps, unwrapped 

-1 bottle lemon extract 

-1 cup cooking wine 

-8 sertraline tablets 

-1/4 cup synthetic cannabinoid, such as k2 or spice 

-1/2 LSD tablet 

-3 cups dry cement powder 

-6 cups sugar 

-1/4 cup aussie miracle curl shampoo 

-3 tbsp oxygen bleach powder, such as ajax or oxiclean 

-18 grapes 

-1/4 cup clear glue 

-1 tsp 1:8 borax and water solution, clothing starch, or contact solution 

-staph bacteria culture 

-1 tbsp EK Cryofuel Mystic Fog concentrate 

-1/3 cup tomato ketchup 

-½ lb. E.L.F cosmetics Poreless Face Primer 

-1 target giftcard (20 dollars or more)

-1/3 cup whitetail doe estrus 

-1 cup chopped romaine lettuce leaves 

-one packet large dog flea and tick treatment

-3 drops patchtouli essential oil

-1 tbsp insect repellent 

-10 ml codine 

-rubber band

-1 cap pepto bismol 

-1 cap fabric softener

-1 detergent pod

-1 can pure pumpkin 

-1 ramen noodle chicken or beef flavor packet 

-3 lbs edible glitter

-1 cup ammonia cleaning agent

-3 canadian goose down feathers

-12 acorns

-fresh thyme, to taste 

-estrogen tablet, crushed and sifted, as garnish 

-moonflower seed pod (optional) 

-shellac (optional) 

Other Materials:

-established kombucha SCOBY 

-5 liter jar with fermentation lid 

-cheesecloth 

-large pot

-hammer

How To:

  1. In a large pot, bring all ingredients to a steady boil. Decrease heat and simmer for 15 minutes to 4 hours covered. Optionally, use a distilling apparatus or collect the condensation from the pot lid to use as a corrosive alternative to lye.
  2. Strain through cheesecloth and let sit until all liquid has separated from the solids.
  3. Microwave the solids until one uniform piece. Save for later. 
  4. Allow liquid to cool, then add to the fermentation jar with SCOBY and allow to ferment for about five weeks. 
  5. Garnish and serve with ice!



For more great recipes like this, visit HelloFresh.com to sign up for your subscription today!

# Becky’s Jim Carrey Column

I hope Jim Carrey is having a great Christmas 


End file.
